The language of friendship is not words but meanings, said Thoreau.

I sat on the front porch and watched the sun go down today. The breeze gentle and carrying with it many comfortable thoughts. It's so dark. The lights are off. Inside and otherwise. Freshly out of a quiet bath, I feel tropical. Definitely smell like one. The wet hair are hanging loosely over my shoulder, staining my gray t-shirt. My mind won't stay on one thing today. Hopping, screeching, tapping away. Running in circles. Starting just when I thought it had all ended.

I am sleepy. The tiles under my feet seem to sway to Coldplay. The air is swirling lazily around me, humoring me with its presence. Oh such pretense. I want a cup of hot beverage. If not to drink then for moral support. I would like to sit here, on the steps, my knees folded. And I would hold on to my cup for dear life. A cup that might declare me to be the best sister in the world. Or daughter. Or friend. But it doesn't. If I remember what the good days felt like, I would miss them. Sometimes I wish I wasn't alone even when I am not.

There is a beautiful quote by Shirley MacLaine that pierces my heart every time I read it. Fear makes strangers of people who could be friends. I wish I was fearless. But I don't want to sound too wishful.

My phone is blinking. Beeping. Doing its thing. Tap tap, how do you do? Oh I miss you too. No, this isn't love. But I am glad you felt so. Oh oh oh.. it is true, you use your heart as a weapon and it hurts like heaven. Coldplay. But we could be talking about anyone here. I am not sad. I am just me. You say you hate making me wait, but you don't know that I never do. This waiting wasn't for me anyway.

Mama and papa will be back tonight. There is a lull in the house. A certain kind of stillness that is surreal. It feels empty. Halfhearted. Dying. No place is whole unless all its people are together. This is the first time I have been left behind. Usually, I am the one who goes away to do my thing, leaving this family incomplete. I will be gone soon. A few more months and Raiyan will be out of here as well. And then there will be no coming back. Just moving forward. We will soon be creating our own little families, adding new people to the equation and hoping that the foundation will survive. Such risks.

Most of my life I have breathed with absolute belief that there will never be a person I could just talk to. Someone who believed in me enough to stop me from doubting myself. And the sad truth is, that a lot of people tried. And failed. I wish I was less reserved. More open. Accepting. Trusting. Loving. I wish. In spite of my own shortcomings I do have one such friend. And it's his birthday today. He has turned a particular number of years which I am not allowed to disclose. Scout's honor and what not.

There is a lot I could tell him, but it's not like any of it has not been said before. But Awi, it's a special day and I wish for you everything that I have wished for ever person who is important to me.

I wish for you
Each big and small success
That makes you feel complete
I wish for you
Lazy Sundays
Brilliant Mondays
And occasionally a day with nothing to do
I wish for you
A second glance from pretty girls
A second glance for pretty girls
And friends who make you happy
I wish for you
Creative freedom
Interesting conversations
First class tickets to new destinations
And food that makes you forget everything else
I wish for you
Long road trips to unknown places
And a smile
I wish for you
Cozy bookstores
Jokes that are actually funny
Comfortable quilt
And memories. Lots of happy memories
I wish for you
Time, to stand still and enjoy what you have
Time, with people you love
A soul mate. But you have found her so I wish for both of you happiness.
And I wish for you
To have everything you ever wish for.

Happy birthday Awijit. I might not always like you but I will forever love you. And now we are both smiling.