"Be of love a little more careful than of anything else." -- e e cummings.

Can you pretend I'm amazing? Instead of what we both know. I cut to the punch line. Oh the line that was blurred, bruised and abused. I don't know. A lot has been said. There are no steps to take. Not backwards anyway. The room is quiet and the lights off. I hope you are smiling. I hope you can pretend that I am amazing. And now our history is for sale. And for that I apologize. I would go down on my knees if it would make any difference. But it is dark and I hope you are smiling. Oh, did I say that already? But do you know that I am sorry? And that I would truly want to change..

It was late. Later than usual. We were still at the beach and it was time to make a move. To catch the last bus and get back. The sun was long gone and we had to make our way through rows of backyards. There were dogs barking but you insisted that I would always be safe around you. I believed you. I always did. We were guided by moonlight. The one that filtered through the trees. Somewhere the crickets were chirping. And then we were faced by a wall. There was no way out but to climb it. I went first. And for a moment I lost you. Lost you to the night, the darkness and the wall. That's when I knew I couldn't lose you. But I wish I had known better.

Do you remember? That time when I asked you if you would let go of my hand and you smiled, leaned in and whispered a promise to never let go. We were standing by the shore and the waves were getting higher. I needed my hand to roll up my jeans, I didn't want them to get wet.. But I didn't want to get you to break your promise either. So I got wet. And then it started to rain and I laughed. You gave me a quizzical look. I am glad I didn't pull my hand away. Quite recently I made the same promise to a friend. The only difference would be that I plan to keep my word. Broken promises are not the cracks I want on my coffin. I hope you live a long life. And that there are always people around to bless you when you sneeze.

If you asked me I would say no. Because that's the truth. No, I don't miss you. But I do miss me. I miss the person I was when you were a part of my life. I miss the hidden smiles and the carefree doodling. I miss the walks I walked with you by my side. I miss the thoughts I thought when I thought you were mine. That's what I miss. Don't be mistaken. You were nice when it lasted. But you aren't very nice yourself. And it hurts to say so. Green Eyes. Oh honey you were the rock upon which I stood. Because I came here with a load and it feels so much lighter since I met you.

I want to go on a first date. I have never been on one. It seems so beautiful. The shyness. The conversation. The smiles. The almost holding hands. The night that you don't want to end. Flowers. Sigh. The life that suddenly becomes beautiful again. I have forgotten how it feels to fall in love. A memory lost in time. I don't quite know, how to say, how I feel, but I know you understand. You always did. You are the trust in mistrust. You thought you were the catcher in the rye. But you weren't.

Oh, all that I know, there's nothing here to run from. Coz yeah, everybody here's got somebody to lean on. The last seventeen seconds of Don't Panic keep playing in my head, trying to keep me sane. Oh how hard you try. Try to fix this broken heart. But I am not sure I want to be fixed just yet. But I do know that when I am ready lights will guide me home and ignite my bones. And that's good enough for now.