"I'm gonna buy a gun and start a war, if you can tell me something worth fighting for."

Headache. Not the dull throbbing but more of a loud hammering. I should be sleeping. Rest the head, the mind. But it threatens to get rusted. There is a conversation playing on a loop, weaving seamlessly through my thoughts. An unfinished conversation. I want to talk about it. Have a conversation about a conversation. But the world seems to be sleepy. Or cranky. Or maybe it's just me. The tightrope I have been walking on might snap. And I just want to be there when the mountains crack and the lightening strikes.

There is discordance between my thoughts. Something just unsettled itself up there. I keep going back to last night. And the words that were exchanged. Because they were interesting. And they opened up lots of closed doors. Doors that were slammed shut and forgotten about. There is beauty in being told something that you knew to be true but didn't have the words for. Ayesha. Oh, what a beautiful name. Oh what a beautiful person.

Let's make a plan to meet up years from now and pretend like no time has passed. And catch up from where we left off. Made to leave off. We will smile and hug and get lost in the awkward pleasantries. But we won't notice the years that are visible on our skins, in our manners. We will pretend to be twenty again and walk through the streets. And keep walking till we have left everything behind. Everything that is stopping us from walking away together right now. Spies hide out in every corner. They can't touch you because they are just spies. They are just spies. That's what they do. That's what he said.

There is beauty in discovering a new person. In sharing thoughts. And everything else that is worth sharing. I won't let you down, said I. I wish the pain would go away. Can you make it go away? Please. I saw sparks. It's you that I hold on to, that's what I do. I know I was wrong, but I won't let you down. Yeah I saw sparks. I want to sing it out and let them wash the pain. Or am I asking too much from Coldplay? I hate imposing. But I did rather be disappointed than disappointing. Can anybody stop this throbbing? Preferably, before my head explodes.

Pain. It overtakes all other senses, doesn't it? Making it difficult to concentrate. To listen. To enjoy. To live. I want to get into bed, curl up under my quilt, place a pillow over my head and weep. I want to fly and never come down. I can't read. I can't think aloud. I want to jump off my pillar of thoughts and crash into an abyss. How infinite that sounds. Oh the loveliness. Anything to make this pain go away. Who sells their soul to the devil? I would just gift mine. Don't tell me the idea hasn't crossed your mind. 

Disapproval just flashed across your face. I noticed it. You might have thought you were quick but you weren't quick enough. I know it's something I said. I tried not to, but it is difficult to lie. All's not lost just yet. Oh oh yea yeah.. Everything is not lost. Come on yea yeah... Everything is not lost.. Oh oh yea yeah. Told you so. And then there is that maniacal laugh that scares the living bejabbers out of you. I will try not to do that again. 

You are an emotional lepidopterist. You just pinned me onto a board, to watch my painful fluttering, for your own sadist enjoyment. Excuse the accusatory tone, it can't be helped sometimes. I want to be unpinned. And just lie down. Somewhere quiet. Alone. Under a clear sky. Lots of stars. And then fireworks. For a few minutes. And clear sky again. I would like that. Right now. Very much. Thank you. Some just laugh, some sit and cry.

We look at the moon and agree on how pretty it is. The first thing we have agreed on in a long time. We smile before we look away. And those are the last words we utter for the night. Would you like to see me crumble and fall on my face? If so, I hope you have the time to wait forever.