The time to sleep is now and there is nothing to cry about..

It's so late in the night and I wish I wasn't here, convulsing in my misery. The tears are flowing silently, crawling over the fingers that clasp my mouth. Lonesome. And Death Cab isn't helping. Not today at least. 3:05 AM. And I long for this mirrored perceptive of when we will be lovers at last. Lovers at last. 

It was a long time ago when I had clasped my hand to my mouth like this. My back against the wall I slid to the floor. Relief flooded through my body and caused my legs to buckle when she answered her phone. She had no clue what she had made me go through, in those moments leading up to the most dreaded phone call I have made in my life. I had walked through a door left wide open and the ceiling fan buzzing on full speed. Loose sheets of paper from my half finished assignment were flying across the room. The water in the bathroom was running. I didn't move to stop the flow. I walked instead towards the ominously placed sheet of neatly folded paper tucked under my laptop.

It was a note. Addressed to me. Something about goodbyes and apologies and wishing not having to do this. I have very vague memory of the words, of what was written. I only remember the gut wrenching feeling of having the ground swept from under my feet. I had forgotten to breathe. I called out her name. There was no answer. I remember emptying my bag on the floor to find my cell, to make that call. And I remember her hesitant voice. An almost whispered hello. She was with friends. She was okay. She was alive. And I breathed again.

Cause now we say goodnight from our own separate sides. But I don't want to be like brothers on a hotel bed. I want us to hold hands and walk along the shore. I want us to share stories, new and old. And laugh, laugh at all those who got it wrong. Those who said you were bad for me and I should turn you away because they don't know about us and they have never heard of love. And when I look at you and you hold my hand, I know we have nothing to lose.

I don't want to feel this way tonight. I don't want to sit here in the dark and think of all the times I have cried. All the times I have felt alone. I want to roll the window down and then begin to breathe in the darkest country road and the strong scent of evergreen. From the passenger seat as you are driving me home... Take me away, because it is getting difficult to breathe here. The walls are closing in and the memories are haunting.

I am taken back to that day... Some one I had once known was being wheeled into the operating theater, completely sedated. There were lots of friends, waiting outside. But I walked aimlessly through the corridors till I found a corner. And I sat by myself in a passage full of swarming people attending to their sickness. And I placed my hand over my mouth and I cried. I cried at the thought of her alone, surrounded by strangers prodding her. Cutting, fixing, stitching. And I cried for her pain. For the fear she must have felt when she was thrown out of the car. And I cried some more, for her heart. And for mine.

And this is the moment you know. That you told her you loved her but you don't. You touch her skin and then you think that she is beautiful but she don't mean a thing to me. And I try to hide my disgust as you well up and tell me all about how you don't care. That you were pretending that it meant something more. I wish I could believe all the words you spoke to me as we moved together in the dark. I wish we were not together in the dark.

And I want to tell you that I will follow you into the dark. That someday, you will die and I will be close behind. And moments before you die, I will not lie. I will tell you how much you mean to me, how much I care. Oh how I will cry.

I wish I could allow you to love me the way you want to. I wish I could let these walls crumble to the floor, so you could walk in and take over. Because I am tired of holding the fort alone and I am tired of wiping my own tears. I am tired of pretending that everything is okay and everything is fine. And you tell me, Baby, there is no need to live in the past cause now I found the love and am going to make it last. And you tell me that when they look at me they don't see what you see cause they don't know about us and they have never heard of love.